Understanding the process...

Grief doesn't actually follow a neat little progression of stages or cycles. It's much messier than that. It's a very complicated and personal thing. There will be a lot of regression, or backtracking to earlier "stages" or "tasks". And that's okay. It just means you weren't yet finished, and are fully working it through in your own way.

The work of grieving happens between remembering and hoping, between building a treasured memory and anticipating a new future. Grief often gets stuck when mourners are unable to explore those wounds that hurt the most … In order to find hope again that will heal hearts broken by tragic loss, we need to fashion a cherishable memory, practice ritual lament, and discover the promise of God that transcends death.

Human beings are relational creatures, attaching ourselves to people and things that are, at the same time, finite. This combination of attachment and finitude is the occasion for grief. Finitude is a shorthand way of speaking about the limitedness of everything. The fundamental human dilemma is that we are limited creatures who know that we will die. The fundamental human longing is that we might keep the unity we had before birth forever. Only God is forever. Finitude and death are part of the creation that God declared good. But when our job, primary relationship, or vacation is pleasurable, we like to think it will never end. Therefore, it is not surprising that we struggle with being finite creatures. When death occurs prematurely or when we are confronted with unexpected and inconvenient limits, it is difficult to acknowledge that finitude is generally a good thing.

Even if we believe death is part of God's plan, we will rage at death when it is experienced as a thief that robs us of people we expect will always be there. Jesus' acceptance of his death teaches us how to grieve loss, embrace others in our sorrow, and then accept God's love as the guarantor that death is not the final ending.