Over
the years I have encountered and heard about people with every kind of
trouble under the sun; and it has left me with one clear conviction: in case
after case, the difficulty could have been overcome, or might never have
arisen, if the men and women involved had only treated each other with common courtesy.
Courtesy, politeness, good manners - call it what you will, in our hectic society the supply never seems to equal the demand. Human beings everywhere hunger for courtesy, and are repelled by the lack of it. As quoted by Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Good manners are the happy way of doing things.” And the reverse is equally true: bad manners can ruin a day - or wreck a friendship.
Courtesy, politeness, good manners - call it what you will, in our hectic society the supply never seems to equal the demand. Human beings everywhere hunger for courtesy, and are repelled by the lack of it. As quoted by Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Good manners are the happy way of doing things.” And the reverse is equally true: bad manners can ruin a day - or wreck a friendship.
Most of us, I think, have the uneasy feeling
that “common courtesy” was much more common in Emerson’s day than it is in
ours. Why should this be so? One explanation is that courtesy isn’t emphasized
and enforced the way it was a century or even a generation ago. “Mind your
manners,” my mother used to caution us as children whenever we were invited
anywhere. There is a simple difference between manners and morals - your morals
aren’t always showing; your manners are.
Good manners are a reflection of inner strength
and assurance. Indeed, they promote such assurance by eliminating hostility and
suspicion. “If we treat people long enough with that pretended liking called
politeness,” a wise man has said, “we shall find it hard not to genuinely like
them in the end.” If courtesy is such an asset, why is it so uncommon? The
blunt reason is that we’re all born self-centred. Good manners require us to
place other people’s needs on a level with our own - and learning to do this
consistently can be a slow and painful process.
What are the basic ingredients of good manners?
Certainly a sense of justice is one;
in fact, courtesy very often is nothing more than a highly developed concept of
fair play. The story is told of a man driving along a narrow, mountain dirt
road. Ahead was another car that produced clouds of choking dust. It was a long
way to the tarred highway. Suddenly, the car ahead pulled off the road. The man
stopped and asked if anything was wrong. “No,” said the other driver, “but
you’ve endured my dust this far; I’ll put up with yours the rest of the way.”
This was unexpected, heartening courtesy.
Another ingredient of good manners is modesty. Any attempt to claim special credit
for yourself is a departure from true politeness. Implicit in the exhortation
to “mind your manners” is the inescapable fact that no one else can mind them for
you. The problem is yours, and it lasts a lifetime because no one’s manners are
ever perfect. Still, anyone can improve his or her manners by doing three things:
First, by practising courtesy. One simple
way is to concentrate on your performance in a specific area for a day or even
a week. Telephone manners, for example: how often do you speak abruptly, talk
too long, keep people waiting, and fail to identify yourself? What about books
on loan you haven’t returned, invitations you haven’t answered, casual promises
you haven’t kept?
Second, by thinking courtesy. If your
thoughts are predominantly self-directed, a discourteous and selfish person is
what you will be. If you train yourself to be considerate, if you can acquire
the habit of ‘identifying’ with the problems and hopes and fears of other
people, good manners will follow almost automatically.
Nowhere is “thinking” courtesy more important
than in a romantic/loving relationship. Novelist Arnold Bennett used to lament
in his bachelor days that whenever two of his friends got married the “death of
politeness” seemed to follow. Why does this happen? One reason, no doubt, is
the very human (albeit erroneous) feeling that we don’t always have to be on
our best behaviour with a loved one. Another is that in the intimacy of the
home, where masks can be discarded, it is easy to take out frustration or anger
on the handiest person - all too often a partner. The only remedy is to train
yourself to “think” courtesy until it becomes a habit. When you find your anger
getting out of control, force yourself for the next ten minutes to treat your
partner as if he or she were a guest in your home. The theory is that if a pair
can just impose ten minutes of good manners on themselves, the worst of the
storm will blow over.
Finally, you can improve your manners by accepting
courtesy, receiving it gladly, and rejoicing when it comes your way.
Strangely, some people are suspicious of gracious treatment. They feel uneasy
if kindness seems to come to them with no strings attached. But some of the
most precious gifts in life come this way. You can’t buy a sunset, or earn the
song of a bird. These are God’s courtesies to us, offered with love and no
thought of reward or return. Good manners are, or should be, like that.
In the end, it all comes down to how you regard
people - not just people in general but individuals. Indeed, politeness is The Golden Rule in action.
A nice additional beatitude might be this: Blessed
are the courteous. Thank you for reading. Please come back again sometime. You're welcome! ~ Stafford
“If my people, who are called by my name, will
humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways,
then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their
land.” -2
Chronicles 7:14
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