For a long time, I wondered why manipulation victims have a hard time seeing what really goes on in manipulative interactions. At first, I was tempted to fault them. But I've learned that they get hoodwinked for some very good reasons:
1. A manipulator's aggression is not
obvious. Our gut may tell us that
they're fighting for something,
struggling to overcome us, gain
power, or have their way, and we
find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive.
But because we can't
point to clear, objective evidence
they're aggressing against us, we
can't readily validate our feelings.
2. The tactics manipulators use can
make it seem like they're hurting,
caring, defending, ..., almost
anything but fighting. These tactics
are hard to recognize as merely
clever ploys.
They always make just enough sense
to make a person
They always make just enough sense
to make a person
doubt their gut hunch that they're
being taken advantage of or
abused. Besides, the tactics not
only make it hard for you to
consciously and objectively tell that
a manipulator is fighting, but they
a manipulator is fighting, but they
also simultaneously keep you or
consciously on the defensive.
These features make them highly
effective psychological weapons to
which anyone can be vulnerable.
It's hard to think clearly when
It's hard to think clearly when
someone has you emotionally on
the run.
3. All of us have weaknesses and
insecurities that a clever
manipulator might exploit.
Sometimes, we're aware of these
weaknesses and how someone
might use them to take advantage of us.
For example, I hear parents
For example, I hear parents
say things like: "Yeah, I know I
have a big guilt button." – But at
the time their manipulative child is
busily pushing that button, they
can easily forget what's really going on.
Besides, sometimes we're
Besides, sometimes we're
unaware of our biggest
vulnerabilities. Manipulators often
know us better than we know
ourselves. They know what
buttons to push, when and how hard.
Our lack of self-knowledge
Our lack of self-knowledge
sets us up to be exploited.
4. What our gut tells us a manipulator
is like, challenges everything we've
been taught to believe about
human nature. We've been
inundated with a psychology that
has us seeing everybody,
at least to some degree,
as afraid, insecure or
at least to some degree,
as afraid, insecure or
"hung-up." So, while our gut tells
us we're dealing with a ruthless
conniver, our head tells us they
must be really frightened or
wounded "underneath."
What's more, most of us generally hate to
What's more, most of us generally hate to
think of ourselves as callous and
insensitive people.
We hesitate to
We hesitate to
make harsh or seemingly negative
judgments about others. We want
to give them the benefit of the doubt
and assume they don't really
and assume they don't really
harbor the malevolent intentions
we suspect. We're more apt to
doubt and blame ourselves for
daring to believe what our gut tells
us about our manipulator's character.''
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| Consummate Loser... |
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