April's Fools... May's Woes...

April Fool's Day started on the Indian sub-continent as a day set aside for people to escape from their caste restrictions, but it was quickly taken over by the princes as a state occasion, a time for princes to play state jokes on other princes. The classic example, according to George Summers in his book 'April Fool', is the story of Prince Jehawar, who massed his entire army outside the city of a rival prince at dawn. As the sun rose and the frightened citizens watched, Jehawar's army charged, passed by the city without so much as a sidelong glance and vanished into the distance.

The tradition percolated through the Middle East into Europe, re-emerging in medieval times alive and flourishing. An example of the commercialised April Fool joke is that of the butcher of Shrewsbury, England,who ran through the town, early one April 1, yelling that the Welsh were coming down from the hills in force. The entire citizenry gathered on the walls overlooking the River Severn, waiting to repulse attackers. For half an hour nothing happened. Then the butcher floated downriver in a boat which sported a large sign: "Apryl fooles - buye your sausages from Richard Harris in ye Highe Streete."

Tudor jokes tended to the sophisticated - Ben Jonson presented a sonnet to one of his patrons on April 1 with a faulty rhyme that almost drove him demented - but under the Stuarts the custom grew cruder, more physical. Once the Earl of Rochester disguised himself as Charles II and burst into Nell Gwynne's bedroom very early one April 1. No doubt he would speedily have attained his purpose, had not the real monarch already been lying in bed with her.

By 1800 this valuable and creative tradition had started to wilt, with occasional flashes of ingenuity here and there. The Prince of Wales, one April 1, persuaded all his cronies to snigger at Beau Nash whenever he appeared; the celebrated dandy, after enduring five hours of snickering at what he thought was a perfect costume, went home and replaced his entire wardrobe.

And so to today, and to a sad feeling that we have lost the knack for irreverence on a large scale. I for one have not much hope of being spoofed on April Fool's Day, of having the wool pulled over my eyes, my leg pulled or my hood winked. I can't talk, I suppose. After all, this could be a completely fictitious article...

40 WINKS - The Story of The Honest Magician

- a story by RICARDO TORRES

A few days ago, a painting titled "The Scream" was sold at an auction for one hundred and twenty million dollars: the highest price ever paid for a composition on canvas, even though some of Picasso's works have come close in recent years.

There used to be a lot of discussion about the actual artistic value of the cubist and abstractionist movements: not anymore. Nobody really cares except, ironically, those who are willing to pay millions of dollars for a Pollock.

The following is a true story, more or less. It is also an involuntary compilation on my part: the lead character has more than just one prototype. I can't remember which one of them gave the interview, which (the interview) is the most important part of the story (at least to those who have ears (in the biblical sense) and have a soft spot for the dramatic).

Art forgery is nothing new. Those who want to know a thing or two about the nature of the business can watch the mildly entertaining film called "Incognito." It beats any other movie depicting a painter at work in that some benevolent soul took the trouble to teach the actor the basics; i.e. how to hold the brush and how to lay paint on canvas. Normally, actors squeeze the brush "artistically" between their thumb and index fingers, close to the bristles, dip it in paint once, and "tickle" the canvas, choosing a random spot on it and pretending to cover it with tiny strokes, one over another, forever, which is very annoying to watch. F-ng amateur hour. With some exceptions, you don't touch the same spot with your brush again until the paint is dry, unless you want your work to look as if it were created by an over-zealous five-year-old.

Anyway, there was this dude who lived in the Twentieth Century, and for all I know he may still be alive. He was Swiss. Or maybe he just owned real estate in Switzerland and spent his summers somewhere near Geneva; I can't remember; it doesn't matter. Let's just assume he was Swiss.

Unlike most of the Swiss folks, he was born wealthy. Early on he discovered he had a talent for drawing and painting. He took lessons and studied on his own, doing what any honest artist should do when he's just starting out: copying the originals of some old masters. It's the easiest thing in the world to arrange; most museums, in fact, are pretty hospitable like that: just make sure you notify the right people in the administration, explaining that you want to learn from the best; bring your easel; bring something to cover the floor under the easel; bring your canvas, paints, and brushes, and knock yourself out. Someone will even bring you coffee. You'll get more attention from tourists than the actual paintings in all the rooms combined. A man performing a meaningful task in public is a magnet for loafers. They love to ask cretinous questions and take pictures with their cheap cameras. But I digress.

This Swiss dude discovered he was a very able technician - among other things. He didn't merely copy a Hals or a Goya: he copied them very, very precisely. It came naturally to him.

After painting a few pictures of his own and reading some negative reviews about them, he decided he'd show that the critics were idiots. This is interesting, and goes a long way to explain a number of things; but hardly the important part. I'll tell you when the important part comes on. But read on, or you won't "get it."

He locked himself up in his studio and painted a whole bunch of things after the manner of Titian, Velasquez, Rembrandt, Lebrun, and some of the other usual suspects. He did a few Turners, I think; and a few impressionists: Monet, Manet, Renoir, and so forth. And then a few cubists and abstractionists: Kandinsky, Picasso, Chagall, etc.

No, he didn't copy any of the existing works. He created NEW Rembrandts and NEW Manets. Because he was wealthy, he was able to pose as a collector, as well as a hunter for "lost" or "hitherto unknown" masterpieces. He aged his canvases accordingly, and did many other things to them - I'm not going to bore you with the details. He started selling them - to private citizens, and then to museums. He made a lot of money. I mean, A LOT of money. Really. Museums and auctions hired well-known experts who established beyond all doubt the authenticity of each canvas. There was a legend attached to each work. "This one languished in the cellar of a Sicilian farmer for three centuries," etc.

The money isn't important. The legends aren't very important either.

He got carried away; he got careless; reckless; he erred, screwed up a deal, was rude to the wrong person at the wrong moment; someone decided to investigate; evidence began to mount, and the Swiss dude was arrested.
As expected, many museums that had bought "Rembrandts" and "Renoirs" from him refused to admit it, since admitting they had paid a few million bucks for a fake would reflect badly on them and the experts they employed and paid a lot of money to. This isn't very important either.

They didn't put him away for many years. He got off lightly (sort of), mostly because many of those who could testify (his former clients, purchasers of his product) refused to do so. Nobody wants to look like a moron.

Now comes the important part: the interview.


It was a fluke: a stroke of genius. The reporter who visited the Swiss dude at the Swiss dude's castle after the trial was imaginative enough to ask just the right questions; and got honest replies.


The first question was:


How long did it normally take you to do a "new" Hals or Rembrandt?

The answer: It varied. You have to factor in the size of the painting and the amount of detail. Anywhere from four months to a year.

And the next question was:

And a "new" Picasso or Chagall?

And the answer was:

About forty minutes...

”Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence.” - Vince Lombard

You can leave your hat on... and other fallacies

Stop! Are you about to eat a scoop of onion dip? It could cause meningitis. Showing some kids around work? Be careful, please, keep them away from the stapler. Planning a walk? Bring plenty of water or you could end up in a coma!

And let’s not even talk about what could happen if you take the kids to the shopping centre and find yourselves contemplating an escalator ride. You should tie their shoelaces, insist they hold the handrail, and place them in the centre of the step, and say your prayers (but not on your knees, for obvious reasons). “Perhaps most important, learn where the emergency shut-off button is so you can turn off the escalator if someone gets trapped while riding. That’s right: if you want to be safe - and who doesn’t? - Every time you ride the escalator with a child, you should first make sure you can leap into action and slam off the contraption, mid-mangle. That’s not too much to think about when you’re on a shopping trip, is it? Yeah, right…

We are being warned about the weirdest, wildest, least likely and most far-fetched, ill-founded and downright bizarre possibilities to the point we are being scared stupid.  “Watch out” mania rules the media. All the warnings above are real; the stapler one came from an interoffice memo. But they’re just the tip of the iceberg. (Watch out for those, too!) Do some research - watch TV; cruise the internet, read books, magazines and email “tips” to see what the average person gets warned about in the course of everyday life.

The result..? Please continue to read this from inside a giant safe-deposit box. They can feed you - but no onion dip, please - from a hole you can drill in the side. Don’t take a cell phone, because it could give you a brain tumour. Don’t have a bottle of water, because the plastic could disrupt your endocrine receptors and switch your gender. Don’t have a mattress; it could be toxic. Don’t eat meat; it could give you asthma.

But you can’t leave the box and go to the supermarket, because you might be tempted to put your kid in a trolley. Parents are strongly urged to seek alternatives to transporting their child in a shopping trolley until an effective revised performance standard for shopping trolley safety is implemented.

 That’s right: the modern shopping trolley is just too dangerous. Parents must come up with an alternative. A dogsled, maybe? A mini Hummer?


You probably shouldn't leave your box, because if you go out in the sun, it could give you cancer. Then again, so could sunscreen. Then again …

Let’s look at some of the warnings:

Recently, TV health guru Dr Oz had a woman serve dip at a function and then he sent the remains to a lab to see what was in it. Guess what? The lab discovered Group B streptococcus, bacteria that are generally found in the intestinal tract and can probably be traced to the detested double-dippers. Furthermore, said Dr Oz, these bacteria can lead to things like.., meningitis! He neglected to add that strep B is usually a hazard only to newborns (who aren’t big dip enthusiasts), and bacterial meningitis is quite rare. Instead, he left viewers ready to lynch the next guy who sticks a half-chomped chip in the guacamole. But it’s not just dip that’s going to kill you.

 Dr Oz has devoted other segments to the dangers of cosmetics- counter make-up, shoes, nail salons, and that silent scourge: the complimentary mints next to the cash register in restaurants. Really, he did a whole big thing on these and his grossed-out audience swore off them forever. As if so many millions have been felled by free mints…

 Warning! “Hot weather can have a dire effect on senior health!”  - So what are the symptoms of overheating? You’ll never guess. Tops on the list: thirst! Then come those ever-so-subtle hints, including staggering”, “fainting”, “high body temperature”, and, in case you still didn’t get the message, “coma”. Really now, is there any way to avoid this stealthy danger? Thankfully, yes. Try these obscure but possibly helpful remedies: “Drink plenty of liquids”. Also: “Avoid exercising in the heat”. And: “Cover windows that are in direct sunlight”. Do you reckon? Not that I ever want to see seniors suffer from overheating, but I also don’t want to see seniors suffer from being treated as if they have bingo chips for brains. Anyone over 60 has probably worked out by now that when you’re thirsty, you should drink, and when you’re staggering, it’s time to take a break. Same goes for when you’re in a coma…

You don’t want your child to live in a bubble.., but remember that the more chances you take, the more likely your child will be injured or killed by an accident,” reads the passive-aggressive Hidden Dangers to Your Child’s Safety page on about.com. And so it warns about the “hidden dangers” of jumping castles and parade floats (“which can run over a child”) and my favourite new fear, “musical instruments, such as a guitar, that can hurt a young child... If one of the strings that is under high tension breaks, flying into his eye, or scratches his face”. That is the gold standard of warnings: a warning about an item that has been around almost forever and never been associated with any danger, except to the eardrums of parents and music teachers. And now it’s a bona fide health hazard!

One cell phone company issued instructions encouraging customers to “use your phone in a safe and sensible manner”. One of these “sensible” tips? “If your device rings and you discover it’s in the backseat, do not crawl over the seat to answer it while driving”.

 That’s verbatim. And it illustrates the whole problem. We get so many warnings flying at us that the real dangers (drunk/drink driving) and the almost hallucinatory ones (backseat-climbing driving) are jumbled together.

The fact is, the stranger and striking the warning, the less likely it is to be true. We tune in to the shocking studies because for some reason, we like to be scared. As children, we had ghost stories. As adults, we have health stories. Either way, we listen because something that seemed innocent is about to kill us! But shouldn’t it have killed us already? And why are we living longer than ever before?

Turns out, we live in very safe times. Not perfectly safe, but safe enough that instead of worrying about diphtheria, we’re worrying about dip. Pay attention to your health - and a little less to the health scare of the day - and you’ll be fine. Provided you watch out for that onion dip, and the shopping trolleys, and your kids’ plastic toys, and the top button on your shirt, and…

Gottaluvit! ~ Stafford (piece condensed from Lenore Skenazy)

Pumpkin Pie

Pumpkin Pie « Culinary Guide to Nature - Florence Johansen


In keeping with the seasons I think a good recipe for pumpkin pie is long over due. None of that canned pumpkin either!

Start with a pumpkin and cut it as you would a melon, exposing the stringy insides containing the seeds. Scrape off the stringy bits and remove the seeds and place them in a bowl for later (the stringy part you can throw on the compost pile). Then with a sharp knife cut off the skin leaving the pulp (the skin can also be thrown on the compost pile). Chop the pulp into smaller pieces and boil until finished – until you can easily poke a knife into them. Drain well and press through a drainer or chop with a food processor.

The seeds should be rinsed thoroughly and any left over stringy pieces removed. Dry them lightly and spread in a single layer on an oven pan. Salt lightly and roast for about 20 minutes in a modestly warm oven. Take the pan out and turn the seeds over. Replace them in the oven for another 20 minutes or until they are crispy.

Pie Crust

One crust pie:

1 ½ cup sifted flour

¾ tsp. salt

½ cup margarine

2 ½ tbsp. cold water

Using a pastry blender or clean fingers cut the margarine into the flour and salt mixture. Sprinkle entire amount of water over dry ingredients. Form dough with hands, pressing firmly but gently. Roll dough lightly about 1/8 inch thick.

Line pie pan with crust. Prick well with a fork.

Pumpkin Pie

1 ½ cups cooked pumpkin

1 cup sweet milk

3 eggs

1 tbsp. flour

1 cup brown sugar

½ tsp. salt

½ tsp. ginger

¼ tsp. cloves

¼ tsp. cinnamon

Mix spices, flour and sugar. Add eggs and mix. Add to pumpkin and then add milk. Pour in unbaked pie shell. Bake 10 minutes at425 f. (about 200 c.), reduce to350 f. (180 c.) for another 30-40 minutes.

Serve cold with whipped cream on top. Guaranteed to set a smile on anyone’s face who loves pumpkins! ENJOY AND GOD BLESS ~ Stafford

I know an old lady who swallowed a fly...

I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

I dunno why she swallowed that fly,

Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a spider,

That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.

But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -

Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a bird;

How absurd, to swallow a bird!

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider

That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.

But I dunno why she swallowed that fly -

Perhaps she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a cat.

Imagine that, she swallowed a cat.

She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider

That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.

But I dunno why she swallowed that fly 

Perhaps she'll die

I know an old lady who swallowed a dog.

What a hog! To swallow a dog!

She swallowed the dog to catch the cat...

She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider

That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.

But I dunno why she swallowed that fly 

Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a goat.

Just opened her throat and swallowed a goat!

She swallowed the goat to catch the dog ...

She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.

She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider

That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.

But I dunno why she swallowed that fly 

Perhaps she'll die.

I know an old lady who swallowed a cow.

I don't know how she swallowed a cow!

She swallowed the cow to catch the goat...

She swallowed the goat to catch the dog...

She swallowed the dog to catch the cat...

She swallowed the cat to catch the bird ...

She swallowed the bird to catch the spider

That wriggled and jiggled and wiggled inside her.

She swallowed the spider to catch the fly.

But I dunno why she swallowed that fly 

Perhaps she'll die. 

I know an old lady who swallowed a horse - 

She died, of course...

Yikes!

My big sphinx of quartz loves jackdaws

The title of this post contains all the letters of the English alphabet... - means nothing, achieves nothing, just maybe interesting to some - 

Here are some anagrams too, to allow some diversion in this busy life:

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE!
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


May GOD bless and enhance your day - SB

When I'm 64

Love takes up where knowledge leaves off. - Thomas Aquinas

When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now

Will you still be sending me a valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine?

If I'd been out 'til quarter to three, would you lock the door?

Will you still need me; will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?

You'll be older too

Ah, and if you say the word, I could stay with you

I could be handy, mending a fuse when your lights have gone

You can knit a sweater by the fireside, Sunday mornings, go for a ride

Doing the garden, digging the weeds, who could ask for more?

Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?

Every summer we can rent a cottage

In the Isle of Wight if it's not to, dear

We shall scrimp and save

Ah, grandchildren on your knee, Vera, Chuck and Dave

Send me a postcard, drop me a line stating point of view

Indicate precisely what you mean to say, yours sincerely wasting away

Give me your answer, fill in a form, mine forever more

Will you still need me; will you still feed me when I'm sixty-four?

Thick as a brick - a.k.a. SABC

After numerous requests from SABC TV Licencing Dept for his deceased mother to renew her TV licence or face legal prosecution; and his replies to them stating that she was dead and no longer required a TV licence, Andrew Bergman replied to them as follows:

QUOTE:

Whatever you believe happens to you after death (depending on your religious or philosophical persuasion); your apparent failure to comprehend my original correspondence is unfortunate (while the words 'sad' and 'predictable' also come to mind).

It is NOT the responsibility of the deceased's next of kin to provide proof of their death. That function is abundantly provided for by the legal mechanisms following death, the registration of that death, and the required advertising leading up to, and resulting in the Final Liquidation of a Deceased Estate. All of these matters were complied with by very competent executors, which resulted in the Estate being wound-up by the Master of the Supreme Court some months ago.

While I doubt whether we will have any need either for future credit, or for a SATV licence (as watching South African TV is tantamount to purgatory), should you still desire to pursue the matter in question, I suggest you forward any queries to her new address: Somewhere In Heaven

In the meantime, should you decide to rewrite your poorly worded letter (remove the non-seqiturs, dodgy punctuation etc.), I would be glad to offer my editorial services for an appropriate fee.

Further requests will be deemed to be a request for editorial services. Your letter will then be edited, and returned in good linguistic and typographical order with a bill, calculated at my standard rate of R120 per hour.

Andrew M Bergman

UNQUOTE

Gotta luv 'em ~SB

Light my fire

One is very crazy when in love. - Sigmund Freud

You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
Girl, we couldn't get much higher

Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
Try now we can only lose
And our love become a funeral pyre

Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire, yeah

The time to hesitate is through
No time to wallow in the mire
Try now we can only lose
And our love become a funeral pyre

Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire, yeah

You know that it would be untrue
You know that I would be a liar
If I was to say to you
Girl, we couldn't get much higher

Come on baby, light my fire
Come on baby, light my fire
Try to set the night on fire

LMAO! ~ SB

Many a truth is told in jest...

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it for the first time, vices & virtues floated around and were bored, not knowing what to do. One day, all the vices and virtues were gathered together and were more bored than ever.

Suddenly, Ingenious came up with an idea:

"Let's play hide and seek!"

All of them liked the idea and immediately Madness shouted:
"I want to count, I want to count!"

And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek Madness, all the others agreed. Madness leaned against a tree and started to count: "One, two, three...”

As Madness counted, the vices and virtues went hiding.

Tenderness hung itself on the horn of the moon... Treason hid in a pile of garbage... Fondness curled up between the clouds...and Passion went to the centre of the earth.... Lie said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake... whilst Avarice entered a sack that he ended up breaking.

And Madness continued to count: "… seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..."

By this time, all the vices and virtues were already hidden - except Love.

For undecided as Love is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide Love.

Madness: "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..."

Just when Madness got to one hundred… Love jumped into a rose bush where he hid. And Madness turned around and shouted:
"I'm coming, I'm coming!"

As Madness turned around, Laziness was the first to be found, because Laziness had no energy to hide. Then he spotted Tenderness in the horn of the moon, Lie at the bottom of the lake and Passion at the centre of the earth.

One by one, Madness found them all - except Love.

Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love.

Envious of Love, Envy whispered to Madness: "You only need to find Love and Love is hiding in the rose bush."

Madness grabbed a wooden pitch fork and stabbed wildly at the rosebush. Madness stabbed and stabbed until a heartbreaking cry made him stop. Love appeared from the rose bush, covering his face with his hands.

Between his fingers ran two trickles of blood from his eyes. Madness, so anxious to find Love, had stabbed out Love's eyes with a pitch fork.

"What have I done?! What have I done?!” Madness shouted.
"I have left you blind! How can I repair it?"

And Love answered:

"You cannot repair my eyes. But if you want to do something for me, you can be my guide."

And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.

In response to the 'You have too much time on your hands' - chirp

Laws of the Universe....

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begins to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool or tiny bit of hardware, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases, when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Travelling Law of Need: The need to pee in direct proportion to the distance to still be travelled to the next petrol station.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that something is not working, it will.

Law of Bio-Mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible, if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

The Law of intelligence: The difference between GENIUS and STUPIDITY is that genius has its limits.

Extended Law of physics: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, which can sometimes leave a scar.

Spirited Humour...

JAMES (AGE 4) WAS LISTENING TO A BIBLE STORY. HIS DAD READ: "THE MAN NAMED LOT WAS WARNED TO TAKE HIS WIFE AND FLEE OUT OF THE CITY BUT HIS WIFE LOOKED BACK AND WAS TURNED TO SALT."
CONCERNED, JAMES ASKED: "WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FLEA?"

THE SERMON I THINK THIS MOM WILL NEVER FORGET... THIS PARTICULAR SUNDAY SERMON: "DEAR LORD," THE MINISTER BEGAN, WITH ARMS EXTENDED TOWARD HEAVEN AND A RAPTUROUS LOOK ON HIS UPTURNED FACE. "WITHOUT YOU, WE ARE BUT DUST."
HE WOULD HAVE CONTINUED BUT AT THAT MOMENT THE VERY OBEDIENT DAUGHTER (WHO WAS LISTENING) LEANED OVER TO HER MOTHER AND ASKED QUITE AUDIBLY IN HER SHRILL LITTLE GIRL VOICE, "MOM, WHAT IS BUTT DUST?"

A SMALL COUNTRY CHURCH WAS HAVING A "BAPTIZING" IN A RIVER ON A COLD JANUARY DAY. A REVIVAL MEETING HAD JUST CONCLUDED. THE PREACHER ASKED ONE BAPTISMAL CANDIDATE "IS THE WATER COLD?"
"NAW!" HE REPLIED.
ONE OF THE NEWLY BAPTIZED YOUNGSTERS SHOUTED: "DIP HIM AGIN' PREACHER, HE'S STILL LYIN'!"

I'm gonna get a lot of flack for this one...!!! T.I.C.

If you love someone

Shakespeare

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, here's the poison, suicide yourself for her.

Optimist

If you love someone, set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Patient

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.

Playful

If you love someone, set her free ...
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat*

C++ Programmer

if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Lawyers

If you love someone, set her free ...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that ...

Bill Gates

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist

If you love someone, set her free ...
She'll evolve.

Statisticians

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, the Weibull distribution and your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's fans

If you love someone, set her free ...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Insurance agent

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, sign her up,
If she doesn't, keep follow up with her and never give up!

Physicist

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, it's the law of gravity,
If she doesn't, either there's friction higher than the force or the angle of collision between two objects did not synchronize at the right angle.

Mathematician

If you love someone, set her free ...
If she ever comes back, 1 + 1 = 2 (peanut!),
If she doesn't, Y = 2X - log(0.46Y^2 + (cos(52/34X)) x 5Y^(-0.5)c) where c is the infinite constant of no turning point.

Nowadays' style

If you love someone, set her free ...
If It Comes Back, It is Yours.
If It Doesn't, Hunt it Down and Kill It!
Or perhaps report to immigration that she / is is an illegal.

If you love someone - why in the first place set her free?

CARELESS IDIOT! ~ SB

Love you to bits

Your body is the temple of the Lord

1 Corinthians 6:19 - "Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you..."

This particular passage came to mind today while I was out getting some exercise; after being laid up in bed for a few days with a bout of flu.

I had taken a brisk walk for about 5 blocks and came to a road bridge spanning the railway; which I semi-jogged up and over. After some purchases at a bridge-side convenience store I embarked upon the walk back. I had no idea how much energy I had lost during my convalescence, and found it hard to catch my breathe, returning homeward over the bridge - it was then that the above Bible passage sprung into my head.

How good it is to be a temple of the Lord... I thought.

Now, I can jump higher than a temple; temples can't jump! But also a temple just has to stand there and house the people of God; and at times most of them even let Him in...? And I thought how nice it is to be a temple and not to have to keep relatively fit (semi-jog over bridges, etc) and not gasp for air to fill its starved lungs...

And then it struck me how flawed this thinking was, how necessary it is to keep the 'temple' fit and clean; for that is how we honour our Father and His dwelling.

I need to exercise more and get fitter; but I realise, in these early stages, I probably would be wise to have an attending medic at hand (lol)! I also think it would be unfair to expect the medic to follow me in the open, lugging his equipment along; so I'd better get that gym membership I have so long been dragging my feet on.

Oh, incidentally, after my 'bridge' revelation, the rest of the walk back home was somehow miraculously much easier - the lungs had new capacity and I arrived home refreshed! - Isn't God amazing!

~ SB

Heartbreak with joy...

I was scrolling through the heartbreak quotation page, and you know what?...
every pop-up advert, advertises liquor! - lol

But I'm strong, not gonna go there... 4 months and not so much as a sip.

There are so many different ways lives work out, so many stories, and every one of them is precious: full of joy and heartbreak, and a fair amount of situation comedy.
Sean Stewart, Perfect Circle, 2004

Ambrose Bierce Dictionary gems

JEALOUS: unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping - Ambrose Bierce

LOVE: a temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which they incurred the disorder - Ambrose Bierce

HISTORY: an account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools - Ambrose Bierce

Let me get to the point...

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
&, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu.


Now, get your mind out of the gutter & share this page.

Sometimes u just gotta be un-PC...

Gotta love 'em...

A computer user telephoned the computer help line...

I'm having trouble with my computer.
What sort of trouble?
Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared.
Hmm… So what does your screen look like now?
It's blank. It won't accept anything I type.
Can you move the cursor around?
There isn't any cursor.
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
The thing that looks like a TV. Does it have a light that tells you that it's on?
I don't know.
Well then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.
Great. Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged in.
Yes it is.
Did you notice if there are two cables plugged into the back of the monitor?
No.
Please look again and find the other cable.
Okay. Here it is.
Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged into your computer.
I can't reach.
Okay. Can you see if it's plugged in?
No. It's too dark - the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well turn on the light then.
I can't.
No? Why not?
Because there's a power cut.
A power... a power cut?! Aha. Okay, I think we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Yes...
Good. Go get them, unplug your system, pack it up just like it was when you got it and take it back to the shop where you bought it.
Really, is it that bad?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Okay... and then what do I tell them?
Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!

Two's company...

Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master and a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. - Ambrose Bierce