"I also feel that it shouldn’t be my choice to come back to you (again). After the first time when you had the courage to approach me and started our relationship, every other time I have initiated the contact. The two occasions when I made contact with you again after we broke up – my sense was that you didn’t want to be with me enough to give up whatever else made you give me up and that you were still holding onto (was it fear?). And this time round again I was the one to initiate contact, and am having to do the work and make the sacrifices to see you.
So I am putting it back into your court again. If you really want to be with me this time – you do the work in separating from or conquering whatever it is you need to, so that you can come into your full personal power. And come to me as a man who is seeking to be a ‘’king, warrior, magician and lover’’ so that I can be your queen, and we can build a mature relationship. I am not perfect by any means, and I realize that we are work in progress and that in a relationship we will continue to heal each other with our love. But there are some things which I feel you need to address before we can even get started.
You are the one I want to be with, and I am not going anywhere with anyone else. If you are prepared to do the work, you’ll know where to find me when you are ready to."
When answers aren't forthcoming, it is our human nature to 'conjure' up some sort of answer to make sense of it all. This may help us to move on, and is helpful in that way; but what if our 'educated' opinion should prove to be be untrue? Is it wise to carry on in pretense of acceptance of that potential lie? And most of the time we include that underlying fabrication into our 'freedom' from the past. Surely the blatant and glaring wrong in this can only manufacture a false reality? How wholesome can this be...?
It's hard to let go when we don't know why they're gone. It's natural to want an explanation, an understanding, something that puts their leaving into perspective.
It's hard to move on when there is nothing but silence, or worse, a strangely formal way of relating, as though you made the whole thing up.
But we can't put our lives on hold, waiting for an answer that may never come. Maybe they will tell us one day, or maybe they will never understand it themselves. It isn't that important. What is important is that we don't abandon ourselves in the heart of loss.
That we don't make another's presence more important than our own.
That we don't lock ourselves in a prison of our own making, waiting for an external liberator to set us free.
If they have left, we have to leave too. We have to let the pain through the holes they left behind so it can find its ultimate destination.
Because we have so much left to do. Our precious life waits on no one...
I know how you feel. Perhaps like I once felt; empty, betrayed with no happiness whatsoever. You don't want to laugh, because you know it's not going to help, but you don't want to cry, because it will just make you feel worse. You feel like your heart is falling apart, but not only that, but you know soon your life is going to feel like it's falling apart too. You don't think it will ever end, and no matter what this person has done to you, it feels impossible to stop loving them. And everyone wonders why if they have hurt you so much, then why do you still love them. That's the confusing part, you don't know why, you just do, and the people who hurt you the most, and normally the ones you love the most. And then, after a few weeks, you finally feel a sense of relief, like you're getting happy again, but you know inside that you're just going into denial. And after a few more weeks, you're back to where you were an empty soul and teary eyes. You thought you got over them, but really, you just stopped showing it. And you can't help but to show it again. It leaves deep scars on your heart that is there forever. And no one understands how you feel, and how deep you are hurt, no matter who they are, because it hasn't happened to them And even if it has, every broken heart is different. They don't know the true pain you feel and carry each and everyday now, so you learn that basically you are alone with all this. And the feeling starts to overwhelm you, and suddenly you just break down, right there, because you know you've had enough, the tears just instantly start flowing, and you're to the point where you don't care who sees. Because you've spent so many nights lying awake in bed, and so many days being haunted by the scars and fear of rejection. And in the midst of all these tears, you know that it’s not helping any, and it's not going to bring them back, if you ever even had them in the first place. After about a million tears have been cried, you finally pull yourself back together and keep going. Your throat starts to clench and your eyes burn with the tears you are trying to hold back. Everyone says, "It will be okay…” But you know it won't. And that’s the truth, it won’t. And you look back on all of the hurt you had from this, and you realize that people are horrible. You're still hurt, but you've learned to hide it so that everyone thinks you are okay. So now every time you think of or imagine you see this person, you know you still love them, and you feel a slight tingle in your heart yearning for them to love you, screaming out, but for some reason they don't hear it. And then you sit back and wonder how one person could have caused all of this...
From all the responses I'm getting to recent updates, on various social media platforms, I thought I'd share my feelings over a romantic heartbreak... I just told a friend recently how I'm surrendering it into God's hands bit by bit. And I ask myself, 'why don't you just let it go in one heap, why not give it all to Jesus?' - I reckon it's a personal choice; a battle with the ego - even though it hurts I want to hold on to parts of it I'm afraid I'll forget forever - parts that make me what, and who, I am right now... but I'm getting there - pray for me... Here goes:
I sit here and think about everything that happened in the recent past and not a single tear runs down my cheek. Maybe it’s because I'm too hurt to cry, or maybe I'm just too mad at you. Maybe just maybe it’s my heart's way of telling me this isn't over yet. What do you do when the only person who can stop your tears is the one making you cry? I'd like to think I'll be happy again, but I really need to just stop and cry now, and sometimes I wish I could just scream at you, and show you what you did to me. And even though you lied, and even though you pretended to care I can't seem to get you out of my mind and even though it seems like I should be over you, with every tear that falls, it reminds me of how much I am still in love with you.
You always say you hate to see me hurt, and you hate to see me cry. So all those times that you hurt me, did you close your eyes? Sad isn't it? How no matter what you do or say to me... when you come back...when you need me again... I'll be here... right here waiting for you; I'll take you back... no questions asked. Sad isn't it?
So... from now on... when you think of me... just remember that I could've been the best thing you ever had. You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool? You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said 'nothing', when you turned around and a tear came down and I whispered to myself... 'Everything is'. I don't know which I would rather believe... that you never did care or that you eventually stopped. While I was holding on all you did was let go.
I just wonder how many people never get the one they want, but end up with the one they're supposed to have. There were reasons we met, reasons for the good times and reasons for the bad times, and most importantly a reason to end. We have more to learn, more to experience and more loving to do in this lifetime. Somehow I know we'll meet again, not quite sure where and not sure when, you're in my heart until then.
I've been lying here all night, listening to the rain. Talking to my heart and trying to explain. Why sometimes I catch myself wondering what might have been. Yes I do think about you, every now and then. I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I didn't ask for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have theirs sunsets.
It's really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don't want to let go but it’s even more painful to ask someone to stay if they never wanted to stay. In love you find the oddest combinations; materialistic people find themselves in love with idealists; clingers fall in love with players; home bodies capture and try to smother butterflies. If it wasn't so serious we could laugh at it.
I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mending whole was good as new. What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best; and try to mend it and see the broken places. Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.
After a while, you learn the difference between holding a hand, and falling in love. You'll learn kisses don't always mean something. Promises can be broken just as easily as they were made, and as hard as it is to believe, sometimes goodbyes are forever. Life doesn't hurt until you have time to yourself to think about how things have changed, who you've lost along the way, and how much of it is your fault. If you don't love me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best.
Make me stay. Say something sweet and tender and untrue and make me stay. Or otherwise tell me directly why I have to go. The hardest thing about knowing you don't love me is that you spent so much time pretending that you did. Sometimes - no matter how long or how much you love someone, they will never love you back and somehow you have to learn to be okay with that. If you’re gonna make me cry, at least be there to wipe away the tears. How could you make me love you and then not be there to love me back..?
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