MOST couples
will agree that a happy exclusive
relationship requires an Investment of time and energy. But, all too often, we
see many couples become disenchanted
if their efforts don’t yield
immediate results. They quickly give up,
deciding the relationship is too much
work.
The happiest
couples, however, approach their
relationships differently. It is found that the secrets of their successful relationships
revolve around certain precepts:
1. Good
relationships don‘t just
happen. Most of us grew up believing
that love is magical and, ultimately,
beyond our control. We don’t
“decide” to love - we “fall” in love. But something is asked if love’s rewards are to be sustained.
First, we must pay close enough attention
to a loved one to genuinely understand
his or her desires. Second, we must
act on that knowledge. The quality of a
relationship depends on the way two
people treat each other; in good times
and bad. Relationships are never
static; they are either growing or in decline Happy couples know that the vitality of their love is their own responsibility.
They are active participants in the quest for lasting love.
2.
Love is not easily destroyed. Almost all couples secretly fear that their relationship will
stagnate and wither. Yet love rarely dies. It only appears to be absent because
other feelings have been allowed temporarily to eclipse it. When bad things
happen in a relationship; both partners need to protect themselves. Fearing
hurt and rejection, they withdraw behind masks of indifference. Couples with
good relationships understand, however, that the sweetness will return after
the storm. Realizing this, they are able to survive crises that might well pull
lesser relationships apart. To put this maxim into action, try to pause during
a relational disagreement and remember what you felt for your partner right at
the beginning of your relationship. Let your love override all the negative
feelings of the moment.
3.
Marriage is not a cure-all. The
rewards of marriage are so highly praised that people come to believe it is the
antidote to salve old wounds, from childhood or former loves. But marriage is
not a solution to personal problems. No matter how close your relationship, you
and your partner will always be individuals before you are a ‘couple’. When we
expect a mate to bolster our egos or compensate for our weaknesses, we are
invariably disappointed, and our loved one feels resentful. We alone must take
responsibility for our feelings of self-worth. The happiest couples know that
for a marriage to last, both partners must first learn to love themselves.
Otherwise, they will never feel worthy of another’s love.
4. Love is acceptance. Too
often, we foolishly believe that love gives us license to remake someone. We
try to smooth out our partner’s rough spots, even though in the process we may
diminish the very qualities that endear that person to us. It won’t work. Even
when a mate seems compliant, he or she will unconsciously resist the pressure
to change or conform. Certainly, problems should be negotiated if they are
making life intolerable. It may be worthwhile to reconsider the phrase “for
better or worse.” It’s there to remind us that we all have shortcomings. Truly
happy couples understand that love means accepting a mate’s flaws. They know
that a person’s desire to change grows out of a sense of being accepted as he
or she is.
5.
Lovers aren’t mind-readers. One of the fantasies of love is
that a mate is somehow completely attuned to our innermost thoughts and dreams.
When a partner fails to anticipate these, we may feel sad, disappointed, or
even betrayed. But it is simply not reasonable to expect a mate to guess what’s
on our minds. Men and women who feel understood by their partners know that,
ultimately, we are responsible for making ourselves known. When you tell your
partner what you need and he or she responds to that request; that is a genuine
indication of love.
6. The best relationships are always changing. Most of us believe that a solid
relationship doesn’t alter from year to year. The truth is this that
relationships inevitably change, just as individuals do. Couples who encounter
the most difficulties are those who stubbornly resist change for fear that
their love may not be strong enough to survive. Couples in enduring
relationships have the flexibility to greet change with acceptance and a
positive attitude. It is important
to believe that the love between
you and your mate is strong enough, and
the trust great enough, to allow each other respect, latitude and room to grow.
7.
Infidelity poisons love. “What my partner
doesn’t know can’t hurt’ is a
flimsy rationale for an affair. Even if it doesn’t lead to a break-up, an affair
can permanently damage the bond of love because it is a basic
violation of the mutual commitment. When we respect our relational exclusivity, we feel comfortable with ourselves. We don’t have to worry about covering
our tracks. But when we act
dishonestly, we secretly know it
and feel devoid of character. And
we cannot love another person if we do not love ourselves.
8.
Love doesn’t
blame. Before
we commit to another, most of us take life’s
lumps in stride. If things go
well, we feel it is because we made the
right choices. When they don’t,
we understand that this, too,
is the result of our own actions. -
Then we strike up an exclusive
relationship. If we are not careful, we begin making our partner the focus of
blame: “If I’m unhappy, it’s because of you.” Partners are, unfortunately, the most convenient
scapegoats. It’s easier to find fault
with what he or she is doing than to examine how we have in fact created our own unhappiness. Such
blame is not only unjust but also self-defeating, for it reinforces a sense of personal passivity.
Don’t allow yourself to fall
into the trap of blaming. Assume a more affirmative posture in your relationship - and in life. The more responsibility you assume for the quality of your
life, the happier you - and your partner - become.
9. Love is unselfish. While mature love requires a balance between giving and receiving, spontaneous unselfishness is the essence of love. Real
love asks that we put our own
needs on bold and respond to our mate’s - not endlessly not unilaterally; but often.
In fact we feel more “in love” when
giving to a partner than when
receiving. Giving is contagious. It encourages reciprocity.
Words of caution, however, don’t give to get, for that is unloving. Neither
should you give unendingly to a partner who takes advantage of your loving intentions. The
happiest relationships are those in which both partners give 100 percent
- and receive 100 per cent in return.
10. Love forgives. All couples hurt and disappoint each other at times. One of two
things then happens: either we forgive or we slowly accumulate resentment. For
love to last, we must be able to forgive. Simply shelving our feelings, or
putting them out of mind, is not forgiveness; nor is explaining away the other
person’s behaviour. Forgiving is a genuine, voluntary release of anger and hurt.
And it is necessary in order for a relationship to flourish again.
In the
final analysis, however, the most important rule of love is this: towards both
your partner and yourself, behave only in ways that enhance your own
self-worth, dignity and integrity. When you feel good about yourself, you
possess both the confidence and the personal contentment which are necessary
for love to remain truly alive.
(Adapted and edited from CONNELL COWAN and MELVYN KINDER by SB)
